Day 23: To quit or not to quit...that is the question.

The last 23 days, minus 3 spent with my husband (so 20 days), have filled my head with so much Classical and Kathak material that I cannot even begin to explain to you.

The past few days have weighed down on me harder than expected...I have questioned my motives for being here, for wanting to continue my studies in Kathak, and what the possible end results might be from all this. I still don't have all the answers -- and maybe I am not supposed to, but every time the thought of quitting comes to my head, I hear Joanna Di's voice in my head, saying "Right at the moment, when you want the most to just absolutely give up and quit...that's when you need Kathak the most, that's when you need the discipline, that's when you need to practice, and keep going...it's this little bump in the road, and that discipline to keep going will bring you over that bump..."

So I didn't quit. I, at times, felt like an idiot fumbling around, messing up my left heel spins, missing the transitions between footwork sequences... I have often felt frustrated in the past few weeks, and I am not sure if my frustration is good or bad.

Joanna Di mentioned to us today that she had gotten to see a written syllabus for Kathak when she had visited India on one of her trips...she explained how that what she saw in this syllabus made her think "Who would want to teach this way?" She explained how the syllabus said that year 3 & 4 were the same except for a few extra head movements, and year 5 & 6 were the same except for a few other items...Joanna Di said she wants to expose us to the fantastic elements Kathak contains. She comes into the room and based on what energies we give her, she teaches us. She often throws us many challenging, and what would seem like Advanced styles of footwork and sequences. Certainly, referring to the method in which I have been taught in the past, much of what I have been exposed to here is advanced stylisation. But its great! Really, it is! She said to us today that she didn't expect us to get it overnight, but that a big part of being a teacher involves exploration and today she explored what we could do with saatgun tatkar (7th speed using Rupak taal).

Once again, this shows me that Joanna Di is not hesitant; she believes that if we, as dancers, really want to do it, we will do it...the issue is, how much do we believe in ourselves...