Conclusion Part 3...

I had left Toronto back in July...and when I had returned to Edmonton, I had the sense that the my time at MDO was life-changing for me. And it has been. I found myself to be a new person with new ways of looking at things...

As the new dance season started back at home in early September (I run a dance company in Edmonton), and my responsibilities piled up on me, I felt myself often turning back into the old, somewhat tunnel-visioned person who only sees work work work! And the good thing is that I am often catching myself reverting back into old habits, so then I try to take a few deep breaths and let go of those old feelings, and re-iterate positive things to myself that Joanna Di had influenced me to say.

When things get a bit hard, I remind myself often, "Everything is the way its meant to be." And I become thankful at that moment, of everything I am blessed with, and tears come to me, and I know that God will never give me more than I can handle. And if I seem to be handling a lot, then God knows how strong I am, and all the things I go through, are meant to make me stronger and remind me of my own strength.

I am looking over my notes right now, that I had written on my last few days in Toronto back in July. Here are some of my notes:

• Taking time to recognize & encourage students in front of their peers -- Joanna Di does this very well. She also critiques in front of peers which is nerve-wracking, but a very important part of the learning process. I hope to be critiqued more often, and picked on more often...because I myself say to my students that I am hardest on my best dancers, therefore, if Joanna Di isn't picking on me more often, that must mean I'm not doing well enough to deserve her critique yet! Joanna Di always has a positive approach to teaching and I appreciate that.

• Unity/Community - I had gone back to Edmonton and raved to everyone around me of the wonderful feelings I felt being so warmly welcomed into the MDO and TTE community. Never before had I ever felt this warmly welcomed by another dance studio. It was eye-opening. I hate the crabs-in-a-bucket culture amongst dance companies...I am a strong believer that good collaborations and affiliations can do wonders to boost the arts and their promoters...two heads are often better than one when it comes to planning and executing projects.

• I had heard someone say that this is a vast ocean (arts ocean) and we should know that we are part of it....how beautiful a thought...

• Old Style Ways (Tradition) have their place in the arts, and we must know our roots. I have always believed this, but struggled on how to get the young-ones of today in North America to understand the evolution and influences of Indian dance culture. I often complain about the instant gratification society that we live in, and how North Americans, and maybe people all over the world, are trained to always find the easy method to doing something... unfortunately this has translated into dance as well... it seems many students don't want to do those hard things... Is it so rare to see kids who actually want to be challenged these days? I personally love challenge. Ha ha! My husband would agree; it seems I have never taken the easy path to anything in my life... hmmm...maybe I should re-think that strategy! Lol. BUT, the feeling of deep satisfaction that comes after having achieved something that was very hard to do is inexplicable...you can only experience it...Old Traditional ways of learning dance have their place in today's modern world...

• I had heard someone say we need to open ourselves to receiving and learning and at the same time do a reality check of where we are right now -- how true. I need to remind myself to do this more often! I want to be more open and receiving and always learning!

• We need to find a balance of discipline and responsibility for the art form we are taking on...

• There needs to be bonding opportunities between peers, students, and parents, teachers, and all these groups with the other groups. It creates community / unity! I am working on trying to create unity and community at SAAM and I know it's a work in progress, and probably always will be...

Many of my internal thinking patterns had changed during my one month long intensive Kathak training at MDO and when I went back home, I tried to hang on to my new patterns, and avoid falling into the old patterns...I did fall back into some, but I am aware of them, and I will continue to be positive. One thing I know that I have come away with is that I need to take care of me. If I can take care of me, I can take care of the rest. If I want to love dance, I have to dance! I have to practice! I have to continue learning. If I want good dancers at SAAM, I have to create ways of attracting good students and teaching in ways that helps to create good dancers. In fact, I can only control me, nothing else is in my control, so like my husband says, don't worry about the things I can't control. I can control my reaction and my actions. Like Sai Baba recommends, don't worry! Leave it to him, have faith! HAVE FAITH.

Thank you to all the people who helped me make this possible.

-Joanna De Souza
-Ritesh Das
-Melissa Das
-Elliot Digby
-Clover Digby
-The Edmonton Arts Council and the City of Edmonton
-My Family and Friends

...Namaskar: Conclusion Part 2

At the retreat a little more than a week ago, I also felt profoundly affected by something and it really disturbed my concentration -- thus messing up my footwork, lol.

On the first night, and second day of the retreat, there sat in front of me 8 talented Tabla students / players. I was dancing and I was being accompanied by 8 LIVE TABLA PLAYERS?!!! Where else in the world does that happen? Perhaps in India...? Perhaps everywhere else the TTE goes in the world to spread the knowledge of Indian Classical Music. But for me, it was the first time ever dancing with live musicians and it was awe-inspiring. This thought kept repeating itself in my head as I tried to get myself to focus on the footwork. But I kept thinking, "wow, everyone here should feel SO thankful." MDO and TTE is very lucky to have these opportunities, to work together, to take advantage of what they have and to inspire others! Luck may have something to do with it, but also the hard work of Ritesh Dada and Joanna Di (and Melissa Di) have a lot to do with it.

Aside from the retreat, I gained a lot personally too.

Something that at first, felt very foreign and odd to me, but in the end I concluded was such a beautiful and yet simple thing was NAMASKAR. And I don't mean the Namaskar we do / say before we start dancing (although this is a beautiful way to start a dance practice too)...I mean that, whenever JoannaDi, Ritesh Dada and Melissa Di see someone/meet someone, they fold their hands in front of their heart and say Namaskar. According to what I know, saying Namaskar and gently tipping your head in humility to another person acknowledges the "Godliness" that resides in them. It acknowledges their presence, who they are, their potential, their greatness, and their beauty -- we are all creations of a higher power, and we acknowledge that power. I noticed that every time JoannaDi did it, she would gently close her eyes as she tipped her head forward to acknowledge a person. Which to me signifies she is really truly acknowledging you, and thanking you for your presence. It can make both the giver and receiver stop, and breathe, and feel special and humbled at the same time...It is a traditional Hindu practice actually, but this didn't stop the Muslim or non-Hindu students from doing it; these artists whom I was surrounded by for 1 month, have amazing minds...open, loving, caring and splendid. Just because you do Namaskar doesn't make you a Hindu. But acknowledging a person in a loving way does make you human! Saying Salaam, according Arabic or Islamic tradition, (from my knowledge) works similarly -- really truly giving respect and acknowledging the person in front of you. I did see JoannaDi say Salaam when/if she was saying it to someone she knew who were of that faith.

So my point...

As the month went by, I found that saying Namaskar was very grounding for me. It brought all the floating energy about me together, all of a sudden centring itself inside of me, even if for a brief moment. The more I did it, the more natural it became. I was raised to say Namaste or Ram-Ram since my childhood, so this was not a new concept to me. But doing it this particular way, knowing that every time I did, centering myself and paying respect to the person in front me, was a bit more special. As I left Toronto last week, I felt as if the practice of saying Namaskar in this way brought me down to earth each time, and I decided that I need to see God in everyone around me; I needed to see goodness, greatness, love and splendour. In fact, I was so deeply affected by this Namaskar, that even at the airport and when I got home I was inadvertently saying Namaskar to my closest friends and family.

An incident: I have a lovely 5 year old niece. She is my first TRUE LOVE in this lifetime. She is temperamental and very sensitive, but to me the most beautiful thing I have in my life. Anyway, she had slept over at my place last week, and we had a great day. But in the middle of the day, she and I had bit of tiff, and I ended up shouting at her. Before she left that evening, we did make up and we both said sorry to each other. BUT later that evening, I felt such remorse for shouting at her that I cried uncontrollably and told my husband that I should have seen God inside her, and when I shouted at her, I wasn't seeing God inside her at that time. I felt very bad...

That's one of the things I gained personally in my month long journey with JoannaDi, MDO and TTE.

Days 25 - 30 & then some...Everything is the way it's meant to be!

As my journey was coming to an end in Toronto last week, I felt as if I didn't know what to write. I wasn't sure how to wind things down...in fact, I am not sure this blog can be concluded with any justice to the amount I have gained in the last month. So, I thought I would let my mind simmer and settle for a few days after my return to Edmonton with the hopes that something solid would come to me. The only solid thing that came to me was that, this was very much probably, the best month of my life.

This sounds odd, even to me. I have lived in India twice for several months and experienced its wonder. I have spent 3 weeks flitting about Europe. I had an amazing time in Acting School. I spent 1 month in a yoga ashram in Mumbai connecting with myself. I had a month long of wedding celebrations, and so many other experiences in my life...but this past experience gave me more than I ever could have imagined in a consecutive 30 day period, and so, I have a strong feeling that it will take at least a few months for the lessons I've learned to seep into my bones and become conscious realisations. Thus, my conclusion may be segmented further past today's entry.

Let's start with the MDO School of Kathak and Toronto Tabla Ensemble's first annual retreat. People, including JoannaDi have asked me what I had expected when I was coming to Toronto. I said I had absolutely no expectations, truly. The same goes for the retreat. But the retreat was a real treat (bad pun). The first night, thanks to Shezheen, I got to truly learn the long lineage of the Kathak and Tabla from which our gurus JoannaDi and Ritesh Dada have been groomed. It was awe inspiring to know that I was in the same room with these exceptional teachers whose backgrounds are so rich. It was so humbling to know where what I was learning was coming from.

It also occurred to me that night how everything is the way it's meant to be! I was explaining this to Dada. Two years ago, a student from my dance company had asked about Kathak examinations. And so I looked it up online. The only places I found were in India (obviously) and in California. The ones in California were being conducted in connection with the Channdam School of Kathak. As I explored the website of this formidable institution based in California, I was first shocked, and then I was happy this place existed in North America. Then I was momentarily envious that we did not have this calibre of a school in Canada. I wiped that envy out of my mind, and simply accepted the truth. I signed up for their monthly email newsletter / announcements that day. And for the past 2 years I have been getting the company's emails showcasing spectacular looking programs and classes being conducted in the USA...I would get these emails, and admire them...and then, accept the truth, and delete them. I had no idea that God was working in his mysterious ways to connect me with this amazing company and spectacular Guru Dada (Pandit Chitresh Das). Last year, when I Googled 'Kathak dance teachers in Toronto', I found a few. I had emailed them and gotten 2 responses. One was from JoannaDi. I looked her up further and found that she was trained by Pandit Chitresh Das. I didn't think much of it then, except that, "how cool!" The school looked great, so the teacher must be pretty good too. I was intrigued by the fact that she did not look like she was of South Asian descent in her pictures...that also made me more confident (ask me why another time...). As I sat there that first night of the retreat, I realised that I was meant to be here! This all started 2 years ago, with a simple Google search (God bless Google). All the little choices I made brought me to where I was at that moment, sitting amongst these amazing artists. I had so much to be thankful for!

....To be continued....

Day 24: I got it! Yay!

Today, I did not have classes with Joanna Di. Instead I've spent about 12 hours doing work related to my business adventures. Yay! Got some important stuff done.

But then in-between I practiced a bit and since I was alone in the basement, I just danced without expectation, and by George, I got it! I worked on a section of a piece Joanna Di is teaching me right now, and I had absolutely no expectations from my practice session, I just let myself do the steps, and I got through the section. Yay!

I still have about 6 other sections to get through in terms of memorization and internalising the rhythmic pattern so that I can dance to it...and then I have to do it according to the correct speeds. But I am excited about it now!

I am even more excited to say that I am booked to perform in Vernon BC in November for a Classical dance show and I will be performing the piece Joanna Di has taught me. Yay!

Day 23: To quit or not to quit...that is the question.

The last 23 days, minus 3 spent with my husband (so 20 days), have filled my head with so much Classical and Kathak material that I cannot even begin to explain to you.

The past few days have weighed down on me harder than expected...I have questioned my motives for being here, for wanting to continue my studies in Kathak, and what the possible end results might be from all this. I still don't have all the answers -- and maybe I am not supposed to, but every time the thought of quitting comes to my head, I hear Joanna Di's voice in my head, saying "Right at the moment, when you want the most to just absolutely give up and quit...that's when you need Kathak the most, that's when you need the discipline, that's when you need to practice, and keep going...it's this little bump in the road, and that discipline to keep going will bring you over that bump..."

So I didn't quit. I, at times, felt like an idiot fumbling around, messing up my left heel spins, missing the transitions between footwork sequences... I have often felt frustrated in the past few weeks, and I am not sure if my frustration is good or bad.

Joanna Di mentioned to us today that she had gotten to see a written syllabus for Kathak when she had visited India on one of her trips...she explained how that what she saw in this syllabus made her think "Who would want to teach this way?" She explained how the syllabus said that year 3 & 4 were the same except for a few extra head movements, and year 5 & 6 were the same except for a few other items...Joanna Di said she wants to expose us to the fantastic elements Kathak contains. She comes into the room and based on what energies we give her, she teaches us. She often throws us many challenging, and what would seem like Advanced styles of footwork and sequences. Certainly, referring to the method in which I have been taught in the past, much of what I have been exposed to here is advanced stylisation. But its great! Really, it is! She said to us today that she didn't expect us to get it overnight, but that a big part of being a teacher involves exploration and today she explored what we could do with saatgun tatkar (7th speed using Rupak taal).

Once again, this shows me that Joanna Di is not hesitant; she believes that if we, as dancers, really want to do it, we will do it...the issue is, how much do we believe in ourselves...

Days 18, 19, 20, 21, 22: Love, Mash Potatoe Brains, and Regression

I spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday enjoying a magnificent weekend with my husband. My husband Elliot Digby is the most caring and loving man I have ever met. This weekend, I had told myself I would practice...but I did not...come Sunday, I felt very guilty for missing my practices, and I could easily place the blame on family commitments and not having enough time, but that is never the case.

We can always find time in our day to do the things we need to. I could have woken up early to practice but instead I chose to sleep in and enjoy Elliot's company; I am more in love with my husband as each week goes by...so I decided to let go, not stress, and enjoy a few hours with one of the people I love the most in the world!

Me & Elliot

Come Monday, my brain had become soft like mashed potatoes; it felt useless. I was blurry and seemed to have regressed; I had trouble doing even the most basic footwork! Wow.

I don't feel guilty though...now you're thinking, huh? What? Why not? Well I had complete control over my actions, thus I can only endure the consequences of my choices. I decided to dedicate this past weekend to my husband and our marriage.

Today, Tuesday, was a bit better than yesterday. Although, sitting down and reciting with Joanna Di, those things which I should have recited over the weekend, was pretty embarrassing for me...I should have been much farther ahead by now with the particular composition she had given me...As I recited, in the slowest speeds, I felt like a small child having to learn my ABC's all over again...

(Joanna Di re-instilling in me basic footwork and movements...such a patient teacher!

The most patient!)

So, the moral of the story is...PRACTICE whenever and as much as you choose to. PRACTICE will only benefit you...and will only prevent regression and allow progression.

Day 17: Recitation

17 Days ago I had no idea how to find the tekha while listening to lehera only...In fact I didn't know the proper terms for lehera and tekha. Today, one of the most satisfying things I experienced was how just by listening, I knew where I was in the teen taal cycle of music. And I could match my foot work to the music properly; I practiced vilambit (slow) and madhya (medium) speeds of tatkar (footwork) and I was able to properly align myself with the tekha. I still need work on aligning myself to the music in the druth (fast) speed.



(our 1st and last class on Wednesday is writing down the phrases to the composition we just learned)

 



I worked all this out by reciting the tatkar bol and adjusting to fit the music. YAY! Who showed me how to do this? Joanna Di of course! On the first day that she tried to show me, I was like "What?" Now it makes sense. I am seeing how important recitation is! Recitation is actually what is going to let me dance -- in other words, I recite, I match my recitation to the tekha and/or lahera (lehera follows the tekha), once I am able to recite properly, and I know where each bol lands in the phrase I am going to dance to, I can then dance to it... It's quite an interesting interconnected process. This ain't no 8 count linear music...its cyclic. Kathak is the most interconnected dance art I have ever encountered; although I have been familiar with Kathak since childhood, I did not understand it's inner workings; and I am still only at the beginning...its extremely mental, mathematical, physically challenging, and involves great investment of emotion. Kathak can create agility of the mind, and physical awareness; I would urge parents to understand the importance of the performing arts...I find that many South Asian parents focus solely on academics, giving arts the last glance. But if you gave the arts a proper place in your children's lives (and your own life for that matter), you would find that a disciplined method of artistic expression will actually enhance and increase your child's academic abilities; not to mention their physical and emotional abilities.

Day 16: Psychology, Rupak and Heat

The Sensitive Entrepreneur's Emotional Rescue (read out loud when needed, and breathe deeply):

I am a person who does what I say I will do.

I have integrity.

I am genuine and honest.

I am a good person and I don’t have any bad or negative intentions.

I provide the best service I possibly can.

I give 100% effort when I do anything.

 

I am learning and growing every day.

It is impossible to make everyone happy.

There are situations that might not be ideal, and there are situations that might not be in my control, and I accept and honor that.

I know who I am as a person and I know my truth.

I forgive myself for my mistakes, and I learn how not to repeat it.

I am strong, focused, determined, helpful, happy and outgoing.

My business will grow and I will be successful.

Clients don't see the whole picture, and you can't blame them for that. They come to your place of business seeking something for themselves. There was an incident today back home that caused a client to be dissatisfied; it was no one's fault really, it was just the way things happened. I will be honest, I am a pretty sensitive person, so I end up taking things personally sometimes. But other times, clients do come right out and attack my character and that really sucks. But, as a business owner, it comes with the territory. This stuff didn't used bother me as much as it does now...I think its because for the past 2 years I've been working my a** off and trust me, being the "boss" can be a pretty thankless job sometimes, and having no superiors makes it a mentor-less job too -- anyways, I think this stuff gets to me more quickly and deeply than before due to my stress levels, and the fact that I temporarily feel like a failure when things go wrong after I feel I've been working so hard...

So I Googled "Why do I cry when someone hurts my character" and I found some information from a Psychologist's website, and although this particular article refers to a relationship, there were some things that hit home with me...

"First of all, you can't become less sensitive. Sensitivity is an intrinsic part of your nature. But you can become less reactive, and that means learning not to take things so personally.

I believe that sensitive people have a special spiritual mission to use their gift of sensitivity to make the world a better place. Sensitive people are gifted with empathy and creative imagination. At their best, a sensitive person is a sympathetic friend, a skilled diplomat, fun, and charming to be around. At their worst, they can be moody, dramatic, over-reactive, and blaming.

In childhood, a sensitive child needs to be supported, not shamed, when they are easily overwhelmed by their feelings. Unfortunately, these vulnerable individuals are often not brought up with the understanding and delicate discipline they need. Instead they are punished and ridiculed for their sensitivity, making them feel ashamed. If you add any abandonment or abuse to their lives, then their sensitivity becomes warped - touchy, moody, dramatic, acting out...

 The next time you feel emotional - hurt, ashamed, afraid, or angry...take the time to follow the following five steps before you act out...:

1. Understand that most people around you do not intend to hurt your feelings...
2. Realize that people are being themselves, which might not always sit well with you...
3. Understand that you project negative intentions onto others' thoughts and behaviors. I have a statistic, which I use with my clients. It's a 100 percent statistic, which is rare at any time, certainly in the area of human behavior. Whenever any of my clients tells me they are afraid of what I'm thinking, 100 percent of the time they believe it's negative, and 100 percent of the time they're wrong. I'm never thinking the negative thing about them that they think I am. This statistic has lasted for over fifteen years. Catch yourself when you project your negative thoughts about yourself onto other people. (OMG, I do this a lot...things that go way back to childhood right here...I often assume others are thinking negative about me when they are 100% not -- this is a self-confidence or some other "self-" thing for sure...)
4. Remember that 80 to 90 percent of the intensity of your feelings is caused by old wounds...
...and Debra Holland goes on in a web posting (http://www.drdebraholland.com/archives/ask_march.html)

Okay, that was business for today. Sorry Kathak followers, for my tangent...

Today I gained an introduction to Rupak, a tekha cycle containing 7 beats. It was interesting and challenging. I will have to develop my muscle memory for this new Kathak movement by practicing this. But the intense heat in Toronto today caused me to be a little foggy brained...there were some Intense Heat warnings issued in Toronto, and where we practice, we don't have AC or too much in the way of ventilation...my cheeks were flushed, sweat was pouring down my back, but practicing in these conditions can help me build my stamina.

Day 15: Business and Tekha

I am sure not many people are aware that while I am here, seemingly surrounding myself with Kathak, that I am also managing an existing business back home in Edmonton, incorporating a new business, and setting up a non-profit organization at the same time. I spent a good chunk of my day before and after classes today, calling and emailing lawyers, landlords, and people who want more money. Not to mention dealing with instructors, students and other clients...

Anyhow, a little part of my spirits lifted today, that made me flutter inside and that was the fact that my ability to find where we are exactly in the tekha (bol used by tabla players) in a particular melody,  is improving! That is so exciting for me considering two weeks ago I didn't know how to do that! Joanna Di is my FOURTH Kathak teacher, and none of my previous teachers taught me how to do this! I still have trouble reciting some of the Kathak bols while counting the Tekha on my hands/arms (as it is done), but I know it will come! I can only get better. Its amazing how CRUCIAL this counting and reciting is to actually practicing Kathak. Reciting the Kathak bol as I dance is actually helping in several ways:

1) To be rooted in the movement
2) To know where I am in the cycle of beats
3) To understand how the melody fits in with the movements
4) To understand how the movements fit in with the tekha

Also, I learned some hastaks (hand getstures) that were never taught to me before in the manner that Joanna Di taught them to me. In the past, teachers have kind of just said, "okay do this with your hand." And I was expected to do it; it wasn't really an exercise developed for learning Kathak, it was simply something that was done. What I love about Joanna Di's teaching is she taught the hastaks as an exercise to be done in class (and at home); we moved our fingers, hands, wrists, and forearms in rhythm with the lahera (melody). When someone takes the time and effort to teach it in a way that is rhythmically pleasing to the body, it makes you want to practice it at home; as I was doing the hastaks in class, I was already envisioning myself practicing the hastaks at home. Its not only what you learn, but how its taught to you that can make a really big difference!

One of the "teaching" aspects I've seen Joanna Di exhibit is her love for Kathak. She approaches her movements with such love. Its really beautiful if you can recognize this love. Its not obvious (and its not meant to be). But her love for this art shows in how she teaches us.

Days 11, 12, 13, 14: Workshop, Rath Yatra, and Tabla

Friday was a real treat to see Labonee Mohanta from California come out to conduct a performance & demonstration. What an amazing dancer she is. And gorgeous too!

On Saturday I accompanied some of Joanna Di's summer session senior students to Centre Island for a performance for the Rath Yatra; Festival of India celebrations. Here are some pictures from that event.

 

One thing that I noticed during the Rath Yatra performance, and was pleased to see, was how everyone in the Rath Yatra Crew from TTE and MDO all worked together as a team and helped each other. No one ever left it upon any other ONE person to do all the work. Not to complain or anything (yeah right) but I, at several events, have often been the only one, to use Joanna Di's term, schlepping around, putting things together, collecting and gathering, setting up, taking down...my dancers often don't even think of how they could help. That's one thing my husband and family have instilled in me; how can I help others? We will all definitely be more successful if we help one another. Of course, my gratitude does go to those who have ever helped out...

 

Today, I played my first ever phrase during Tabla class with young teacher Razak from TTE. It was fun and interesting; I had an awesome time during the class. I can definitely see how playing the tabla can have a meditative effect on the body. Awesome! Of course, as I have spoken about before, from what I have learned so far in my month long journey, the marriage of Kathak to Tabla and Lahera is so crucial, and I think I would definitely like to learn at least the basics of Tabla to help me on my Kathak journey. Yay! Life long learning; that's a great way to live!

 (That's me learning to play the Tabla! Yay!)

 

TTE Beginner Tabla Class



Today, I was also part of a very very beginner Kathak class with Joanna Di (as I am taking part in all the different class currently offered); none of the students in this class had ever taken Kathak before. I haven't participated in any of the very beginner classes with Joanna Di yet, and it was a good experience. And once again, I reaffirm to you all, that Joanna Di is one of the best teachers I have ever met. She is not afraid to challenge us for the fear of us failing or doing it incorrectly; in fact we need to make the mistakes in order to learn and grow past the mistakes. I cannot explain to you all how great of a teacher she is; she makes things fun, funny, challenging and exciting, and it might be overwhelming to some, but she doesn't want you to ever feel that you can't ask questions. More than anything in this class, I paid particular attention to HOW she was teaching and conducting the class, her words, language, style, and smile! Thanks again Joanna Di for being such a great teacher. I can't wait to have you in Edmonton so you can share your knowledge and wonderful teaching strategies with us!

Day 10: Shedding expecations...

Uhmnh. That's a sound that I can't really describe to you that explains my day. Emotionally, I hit some very lows, and some highs. Like my husband says, Ashley Kumar is like a roller coaster of emotions.

I woke up today feeling tired. I felt an odd detachment from everything today; I felt like crap really. I will be honest, I decided that I didn't care anymore. I felt that I wasn't getting where I wanted as quickly as I wanted, and I felt a little dumb for not understanding the timing mix of tabla cycles, lahera and tatkar, but I also thought "Well, I just don't know it, and if anyone has anything to say about that, then I will fight back, because I am trying, but I'm not perfect..." and on and on I went in my head....I was basically fighting with myself for wanting to be perfect but refusing to be perfect at the same time. Ick.

Okay, a bit of background about me: there are some things I'm a perfectionist about...and I know in my first blog post I said "I'm not perfect and I don't intend to be," and that is a phrase I do incorporate into my life sometimes, but...other times, a part of me really wants to be perfect -- this part of me has always had high, and sometimes unreasonable expectations of myself (and others)! -- Although, I must say, that so far my high expectations of myself have paid off in terms of self-development and personal achievements...but other times, these high expectations become a barrier for relaxation, and presence in the moment. I really hate it when I keep making the same mistakes over again in classes...I expect of myself, that I could make the mistake once, maybe twice, and I even allow myself thrice, but more than thrice??!! How dare I!!?...Lol. Its so interesting how these wise teachers know what to say sometimes: Ritesh-ji or Dada (tabla instructor for the Toronto Tabla Ensemble) had walked into the room when I was practicing today, and he said "Keep practicing. KEEP ON PRACTICING. And practice without expectations. Practice with love. It will come."

I held myself together when he said this, when actually I wanted to burst out crying; I was definitely feeling pressure to succeed, I had expectations of myself. And he is right; when I just let myself dance, and dance with love, everything else will fall into place.

(Me sitting with Ritesh-ji (Dada) and his tabla students accompanied by a Sitar player.

I also wish I could separate everything else from this current learning experience. When I say" separate everything,"...oh, that's a lot of separating... In general, I want to separate my business, my students, my instructors, my future and my past from this current learning experience; I want to isolate my learning! I am trying, but I think I need to try harder. And I will try harder.

Joanna Di really challenges people. I had learned Kathak for an equivalent of 6 years (1 class per week) and I was / am no where near the level of the students who have only been learning for 4 - 5 years with Joanna Di. SERIOUSLY! That goes to show Joanna Di's style and dedication to teaching; progressive with a serious edge. I have never met a teacher whose 4th - 5th year students can do amazingly hard footwork that I saw today. Congratulations to Neha, Shezeen, and Ira (not sure if that's spelled right).

Having all of you present in my life right now has a great impact on me, and when I leave in two more weeks, and I go home to where I don't have a Kathak teacher, it will be even more important to me. Thank you all. Even your namaskar and hello to me means a lot. --Gosh, thinking of going home to where I won't have this environment anymore -- tears -- stay present Ashley, that time is not here yet!

Day 9: Where did my confidence go?

First of all, last night, I didn't sleep at all. From the moment I got home, I was singing/saying tekha trying to mimic the melody Joanna Di was singing all evening; we didn't have electricity yesterday for the first several hours of dance class so she sang a lot. From the moment I got home last night, I was saying the various bol for the various footwork and compositions I've learned over the past week; really I was saying what came to me and stopped when it didn't sound right. All night my head was whirling with bol, tekha, beat cycles, counts, bars (musical), sounds of Joanna Di's voice, the sounds of the pounding feet on the floor, and I could not quiet my mind.

Today, for some reason, my confidence was incredibly low. I felt useless most of the night. It started right from my first class where I struggled to duplicate a certain tatkar on the left side...It really discouraged me because I had already practiced this ALL WEEKEND. And it really stank that I could not replicate it in front of her today. That seemed to dampen my confidence for the rest of the evening. I wasn't a total sour-puss; I was able to do some footwork properly later on in the evening, and that was good, but I definitely felt like I was all over the place, disoriented, and disengaged. As I drove home, I just felt so low. I know that I struggle on the musical side of things (which throws my footwork off) because of the offbeat work Joanna Di teaches us, as well as the different 'guns' (pronounced goon -- referring to the speeds of footwork) we practice within one cycle of beats.

Joanna Di's classes are not for the faint of heart...

I would love to take more pictures if I could, but I am so engrossed in my classes I can't seem to get away to take photos; I also feel guilty to stop dancing and take photos, and to some extent I think I feel that it might be disrespectful to stop and start taking photos, I also worry about permission from others to post online...also, its hard for me to take photos of myself when I'm dancing...

Sorry, I don't have photo tonight!

References:
"tekha" - bol used by Tabla players
"bol" - words / sounds
"tatkar" - Kathak footwork

Day 8: Learning to release

I have learned from 3 different Kathak teachers; there are pros and cons to that. Of recent, I was inadvertently taught to hold myself in, to restrict movements that might be considered "too Bollywood." This restrictive-ness inadvertently caused me to prevent the natural dancer in me from coming out...instead I was holding myself in, thinking I was doing it wrong if I let myself release...

 

(Speaking of "release," this old and large tree was "released" from the ground yesterday due to the flooding and excessively saturated soil)

Joanna Di explained to me yesterday, very tactfully, that I need to release...that "we aren't going anywhere," meaning, we aren't in a rush to learn Kathak. And I realised today that, that is true. She has been training with her guru since 21, and without releasing her age publicly, her experience in Kathak has spanned several decades now...I don't know what caused me to put this pressure on myself to learn as much as I could as quick as I could in just 1 month. I know I am a student for life...but, I guess a part of me knows I am a role model to some, and I feel I need to be at a certain level already, and I feel I should get their quick...and I also want to be able to lead practice with the beautiful little Kathak dancers from Sharara Dance Studio who I left behind in Edmonton who don't have a proper Kathak teacher right now...But, now I realise that their style of Kathak and methods of learning from their previous teacher are quite different (and that's neither good nor bad, it just is) than Joanna Di's. I find Joanna Di's classes really REALLY challenging, especially mentally (Kathak has very intricate and mathematical footwork). Sometimes, I leave class at night with a very foggy brain...and the fog doesn't go away actually. Perhaps the other stresses of life are causing additional fogginess, and that doesn't help... Anyway, I must accept that I cannot solve this Kathak problem myself right now...I need to breathe, and I need to learn for me, and no one else. I felt a bit more freedom today as I danced than yesterday, but I will continue working on releasing more. I know that when I dance for me, in lyrical Bollywood style, it shines, and people love that, and people often comment on my stage presence, hands, and angles/lines...I will release this "stuff" that has caused me to hold myself in for so long when dancing Kathak, and I will learn to let myself enjoy this beautiful art knowing it's for me; indirectly, I will then also have an impact on Sharara Studio pupils.

Thank you Joanna Di.

The weekend: Festivals, Falls, and Floods [Days 4, 5, 6 & 7 (today)]

I had committed to practicing 1 hour per day on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and I fulfilled that short of 20 minutes on Sunday. I had a breakthrough on accenting step 3 and 7 of basic tatkar, albeit at a slow/medium speed. My turns need to be much more crisp, and I am retraining myself to turn on my heels, not on the balls of my feet.

I travelled two hours via Public transit to check out the South Asia Festival on Saturday with a friend, and it was interesting, although I could not stay long.

                                                   ( Me & Friend at South Asia Festival)

 

Sunday: Humpty Dumpty had a great practice, Humpty Dumpty visited relatives, and Humpty Dumpty had a great FALL...through a broken chair injuring her left hip/backside area with a nice pink gash, complemented with a blue/black bruise on the left arm, and both shins. Ouch.

And then, if anyone in Canada was watching the news, Toronto was a mess today! I was just hitting my first EVER notes on a tabla (in my first ever tabla class with TTE) at approximately six o'clock,  when all of a sudden all the lights of the church went out, and an emergency alarm and emergency lights went on inside! I was like, "WHAT?" Just below us, in the basement where the Kathak classes are conducted, water was coming in from everywhere! Me and some others rushed to get Joanna-di's and the belongings of other students of MDO and TTE, upstairs, away from the water. We were told to leave the church. Outside, the rain was beating the heck out of Torontonians. It took me more than 2 hours to get home as the highways flooded, and several streets were backed up.

                                                                  (view from my car)

 I've never been in an emergency flood situation, and it all happened quite fast. I prayed for all the people who were driving, in their homes, and on the streets...may you all be safe! I was then very thankful for my mother in law, who let me use her car, and I was dry inside this vehicle that was eventually going to get me to proper home and food to eat...

Not as much Kathak today, but lots of other action that's for sure...

Day 3: I have a PLEA: DON'T LET CLASSICAL ARTS DIE IN EDMONTON!

Coming here, I felt unsure and definitely unaware. I had no expectations of my teachers and MDO. But I knew that I might be dancing next to people who already know Joanna Di, her style, and some of her exercises, and thus it might be intimidating – and it is intimidating for me, but I am glad that I am not a person who shys away from challenge. Why was I intimidated? As a child growing up, I lacked self-confidence, and for the majority of my life ‘til date, my self-esteem was pretty low too; and that doesn’t go away with the snap of some fingers... I remembered that when I started dancing in my basement just for fun, I was totally in my own world, and I didn’t dance for anyone but me. When I performed, I was in my own world, dancing just for me, a solo artist.

Today, I had the most confusing combinations of emotions. I was thankful to be here, but I was also hurting deeply inside; and I felt such a sense of loss of the fact that I didn’t have the opportunity to learn from Joanna Di when I was a child. I saw a woman, younger than me, who is now part of Joanna Di’s Company, who looks as though she is floating as she does her footwork, and I hurt inside.

 

 

Inside I was screaming: Why didn’t I get this chance when I was little? Why didn’t I meet this amazing guru before? I felt the loss of 25 years fall on me; if someone like Joanna Di had been near me as a child, I would have been much farther ahead in Kathak than I am now. But, I also felt grateful to be here, to be amongst such great artists, to even get to meet Joanna Di. She is like a bar of solid gold Kathak, if there was such a thing. It pours out of her pores! She has dedicated her life to Kathak! And that is so inspiring. I would love to meet another young dancer in Edmonton, who wants to devote their life to dancing. I would love to see that passion and fire in more young South Asians in Edmonton.

I have a plea to parents of this generation of children; HELP KEEP CLASSICAL ARTS ALIVE IN EDMONTON! Bollywood is not everything. Calling Kathak done to Bollywood music is not pure Kathak! I promise you, as long as I have a choice, Edmonton will get to see Joanna Di!

Day 2: Moving the body just isn't good enough...

Today was 1 class, yoga (wonderfully taught by Melissa) then 2 more classes. Two things that I find can give a person great body awareness is Yoga and Dance.

Tatkar = today. And, I have to say, today was the first time I was ever, in my life-- EVER-- , thrilled about doing footwork! And it's not about the footwork itself, it was about the challenging variations of footwork that I haven't done before -- that was thrilling.  I have enjoyed doing footwork in the past knowing that doing repetitive footwork is a major component of learning Kathak, but today I didn't just enjoy it, I was thrilled. Joanna De Souza is an amazing teacher. An amazing dancer, absolutely, but an even more amazing teacher! Wow! She really believes in her students; that they can do it! That this dance doesn't belong to anyone, it's everyone's dance! That it's there to take, to learn, to absorb. Awesome. She has more knowledge about Kathak than anyone I have met so far in my life-time. And she doesn't hesitate to share it with her students. In only two days, I have learned so much more of the theory, the terminology, the protocol, and the codification of Kathak then I knew before I arrived here. I am also learning how important the marriage of tabla and Kathak is; sometimes we recite tabla bol as we do footwork.

In the last class, Joanna Di said some very inspiring and encouraging words as she showed magnificent variations of tatkar (footwork). I was so engrossed that I forgot I could've have videotaped it!

From Joanna Di...
               When you are ready to pack it in, and quit...that's exactly when you need discipline to keep practicing, practicing, practicing enough...to just get through that tough time, that challenge that seems insurmountable...a dancer needs confidence, direction, and passion.

Today was a great day of tatkar for me!

Kathak is more mentally challenging for me than any dance form I have ever learned. I would recommend everyone learn classical dancing; I always say to my students, dancing is more than just moving the body, it is mental, and emotional too; moving the body just isn't good enough:

Day 1

I have barely slept in 3 weeks, and my delayed red eye flight didn't help. A mixture of bittersweet feelings have been stirring inside me for several weeks now; what will it be like? Can I afford this? Will I do well? I will miss things back home, but, this is for me...and that's okay right?

After mapping my journey to downtown Toronto where my Kathak classes are being held in the basement of a church built in 1826, I navigated the Corolla to a free parking spot and was walking up the path when Joanna Di happened to open the door and we finally met after almost 12 months of email communication. She is a small lady with a big welcoming smile and strong eyes. I am nervous and excited. A black cat named Dragon has Joanna Di briefly occupied as she finds a way to keep him out of our way (as she is now aware I'm not very comfortable around cats and dogs).

She welcomes me, we chat, and off we go on a dance journey. The neck, back, knee and foot pain I've been experiencing the past 2-8 years crosses my mind, but I take a breath each time, and try hard to focus on the movements she is teaching me. We discuss theory, counting and bol patterns, and somehow, that which was hidden in my bones, old Kathak lessons that I learned in my youth and teen years, are very slowly creeping into my bloodstream and pouring out of my pores in sweat.

I am not perfect, nor do I intend to be; what I intend to be is a student for life; I can always be better and I can always be learning. Kathak is the dance that started my dance career, and I have so much more yet to accomplish! Thanks to each and every person along the way, parents, friends, family, previous gurus, and my husband for contributing to this journey!