I woke up today feeling tired. I felt an odd detachment from everything today; I felt like crap really. I will be honest, I decided that I didn't care anymore. I felt that I wasn't getting where I wanted as quickly as I wanted, and I felt a little dumb for not understanding the timing mix of tabla cycles, lahera and tatkar, but I also thought "Well, I just don't know it, and if anyone has anything to say about that, then I will fight back, because I am trying, but I'm not perfect..." and on and on I went in my head....I was basically fighting with myself for wanting to be perfect but refusing to be perfect at the same time. Ick.
Okay, a bit of background about me: there are some things I'm a perfectionist about...and I know in my first blog post I said "I'm not perfect and I don't intend to be," and that is a phrase I do incorporate into my life sometimes, but...other times, a part of me really wants to be perfect -- this part of me has always had high, and sometimes unreasonable expectations of myself (and others)! -- Although, I must say, that so far my high expectations of myself have paid off in terms of self-development and personal achievements...but other times, these high expectations become a barrier for relaxation, and presence in the moment. I really hate it when I keep making the same mistakes over again in classes...I expect of myself, that I could make the mistake once, maybe twice, and I even allow myself thrice, but more than thrice??!! How dare I!!?...Lol. Its so interesting how these wise teachers know what to say sometimes: Ritesh-ji or Dada (tabla instructor for the Toronto Tabla Ensemble) had walked into the room when I was practicing today, and he said "Keep practicing. KEEP ON PRACTICING. And practice without expectations. Practice with love. It will come."
I held myself together when he said this, when actually I wanted to burst out crying; I was definitely feeling pressure to succeed, I had expectations of myself. And he is right; when I just let myself dance, and dance with love, everything else will fall into place.
(Me sitting with Ritesh-ji (Dada) and his tabla students accompanied by a Sitar player.
I also wish I could separate everything else from this current learning experience. When I say" separate everything,"...oh, that's a lot of separating... In general, I want to separate my business, my students, my instructors, my future and my past from this current learning experience; I want to isolate my learning! I am trying, but I think I need to try harder. And I will try harder.
Joanna Di really challenges people. I had learned Kathak for an equivalent of 6 years (1 class per week) and I was / am no where near the level of the students who have only been learning for 4 - 5 years with Joanna Di. SERIOUSLY! That goes to show Joanna Di's style and dedication to teaching; progressive with a serious edge. I have never met a teacher whose 4th - 5th year students can do amazingly hard footwork that I saw today. Congratulations to Neha, Shezeen, and Ira (not sure if that's spelled right).
Having all of you present in my life right now has a great impact on me, and when I leave in two more weeks, and I go home to where I don't have a Kathak teacher, it will be even more important to me. Thank you all. Even your namaskar and hello to me means a lot. --Gosh, thinking of going home to where I won't have this environment anymore -- tears -- stay present Ashley, that time is not here yet!
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