Wednesday, August 7, 2013

...Namaskar: Conclusion Part 2

At the retreat a little more than a week ago, I also felt profoundly affected by something and it really disturbed my concentration -- thus messing up my footwork, lol.

On the first night, and second day of the retreat, there sat in front of me 8 talented Tabla students / players. I was dancing and I was being accompanied by 8 LIVE TABLA PLAYERS?!!! Where else in the world does that happen? Perhaps in India...? Perhaps everywhere else the TTE goes in the world to spread the knowledge of Indian Classical Music. But for me, it was the first time ever dancing with live musicians and it was awe-inspiring. This thought kept repeating itself in my head as I tried to get myself to focus on the footwork. But I kept thinking, "wow, everyone here should feel SO thankful." MDO and TTE is very lucky to have these opportunities, to work together, to take advantage of what they have and to inspire others! Luck may have something to do with it, but also the hard work of Ritesh Dada and Joanna Di (and Melissa Di) have a lot to do with it.

Aside from the retreat, I gained a lot personally too.

Something that at first, felt very foreign and odd to me, but in the end I concluded was such a beautiful and yet simple thing was NAMASKAR. And I don't mean the Namaskar we do / say before we start dancing (although this is a beautiful way to start a dance practice too)...I mean that, whenever JoannaDi, Ritesh Dada and Melissa Di see someone/meet someone, they fold their hands in front of their heart and say Namaskar. According to what I know, saying Namaskar and gently tipping your head in humility to another person acknowledges the "Godliness" that resides in them. It acknowledges their presence, who they are, their potential, their greatness, and their beauty -- we are all creations of a higher power, and we acknowledge that power. I noticed that every time JoannaDi did it, she would gently close her eyes as she tipped her head forward to acknowledge a person. Which to me signifies she is really truly acknowledging you, and thanking you for your presence. It can make both the giver and receiver stop, and breathe, and feel special and humbled at the same time...It is a traditional Hindu practice actually, but this didn't stop the Muslim or non-Hindu students from doing it; these artists whom I was surrounded by for 1 month, have amazing minds...open, loving, caring and splendid. Just because you do Namaskar doesn't make you a Hindu. But acknowledging a person in a loving way does make you human! Saying Salaam, according Arabic or Islamic tradition, (from my knowledge) works similarly -- really truly giving respect and acknowledging the person in front of you. I did see JoannaDi say Salaam when/if she was saying it to someone she knew who were of that faith.

So my point...

As the month went by, I found that saying Namaskar was very grounding for me. It brought all the floating energy about me together, all of a sudden centring itself inside of me, even if for a brief moment. The more I did it, the more natural it became. I was raised to say Namaste or Ram-Ram since my childhood, so this was not a new concept to me. But doing it this particular way, knowing that every time I did, centering myself and paying respect to the person in front me, was a bit more special. As I left Toronto last week, I felt as if the practice of saying Namaskar in this way brought me down to earth each time, and I decided that I need to see God in everyone around me; I needed to see goodness, greatness, love and splendour. In fact, I was so deeply affected by this Namaskar, that even at the airport and when I got home I was inadvertently saying Namaskar to my closest friends and family.

An incident: I have a lovely 5 year old niece. She is my first TRUE LOVE in this lifetime. She is temperamental and very sensitive, but to me the most beautiful thing I have in my life. Anyway, she had slept over at my place last week, and we had a great day. But in the middle of the day, she and I had bit of tiff, and I ended up shouting at her. Before she left that evening, we did make up and we both said sorry to each other. BUT later that evening, I felt such remorse for shouting at her that I cried uncontrollably and told my husband that I should have seen God inside her, and when I shouted at her, I wasn't seeing God inside her at that time. I felt very bad...

That's one of the things I gained personally in my month long journey with JoannaDi, MDO and TTE.


Sunday, August 4, 2013

Days 25 - 30 & then some...Everything is the way it's meant to be!

As my journey was coming to an end in Toronto last week, I felt as if I didn't know what to write. I wasn't sure how to wind things down...in fact, I am not sure this blog can be concluded with any justice to the amount I have gained in the last month. So, I thought I would let my mind simmer and settle for a few days after my return to Edmonton with the hopes that something solid would come to me. The only solid thing that came to me was that, this was very much probably, the best month of my life.

This sounds odd, even to me. I have lived in India twice for several months and experienced its wonder. I have spent 3 weeks flitting about Europe. I had an amazing time in Acting School. I spent 1 month in a yoga ashram in Mumbai connecting with myself. I had a month long of wedding celebrations, and so many other experiences in my life...but this past experience gave me more than I ever could have imagined in a consecutive 30 day period, and so, I have a strong feeling that it will take at least a few months for the lessons I've learned to seep into my bones and become conscious realisations. Thus, my conclusion may be segmented further past today's entry.

Let's start with the MDO School of Kathak and Toronto Tabla Ensemble's first annual retreat. People, including JoannaDi have asked me what I had expected when I was coming to Toronto. I said I had absolutely no expectations, truly. The same goes for the retreat. But the retreat was a real treat (bad pun). The first night, thanks to Shezheen, I got to truly learn the long lineage of the Kathak and Tabla from which our gurus JoannaDi and Ritesh Dada have been groomed. It was awe inspiring to know that I was in the same room with these exceptional teachers whose backgrounds are so rich. It was so humbling to know where what I was learning was coming from.

It also occurred to me that night how everything is the way it's meant to be! I was explaining this to Dada. Two years ago, a student from my dance company had asked about Kathak examinations. And so I looked it up online. The only places I found were in India (obviously) and in California. The ones in California were being conducted in connection with the Channdam School of Kathak. As I explored the website of this formidable institution based in California, I was first shocked, and then I was happy this place existed in North America. Then I was momentarily envious that we did not have this calibre of a school in Canada. I wiped that envy out of my mind, and simply accepted the truth. I signed up for their monthly email newsletter / announcements that day. And for the past 2 years I have been getting the company's emails showcasing spectacular looking programs and classes being conducted in the USA...I would get these emails, and admire them...and then, accept the truth, and delete them. I had no idea that God was working in his mysterious ways to connect me with this amazing company and spectacular Guru Dada (Pandit Chitresh Das). Last year, when I Googled 'Kathak dance teachers in Toronto', I found a few. I had emailed them and gotten 2 responses. One was from JoannaDi. I looked her up further and found that she was trained by Pandit Chitresh Das. I didn't think much of it then, except that, "how cool!" The school looked great, so the teacher must be pretty good too. I was intrigued by the fact that she did not look like she was of South Asian descent in her pictures...that also made me more confident (ask me why another time...). As I sat there that first night of the retreat, I realised that I was meant to be here! This all started 2 years ago, with a simple Google search (God bless Google). All the little choices I made brought me to where I was at that moment, sitting amongst these amazing artists. I had so much to be thankful for!

....To be continued....

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Day 24: I got it! Yay!

Today, I did not have classes with Joanna Di. Instead I've spent about 12 hours doing work related to my business adventures. Yay! Got some important stuff done.

But then in-between I practiced a bit and since I was alone in the basement, I just danced without expectation, and by George, I got it! I worked on a section of a piece Joanna Di is teaching me right now, and I had absolutely no expectations from my practice session, I just let myself do the steps, and I got through the section. Yay!

I still have about 6 other sections to get through in terms of memorization and internalising the rhythmic pattern so that I can dance to it...and then I have to do it according to the correct speeds. But I am excited about it now!

I am even more excited to say that I am booked to perform in Vernon BC in November for a Classical dance show and I will be performing the piece Joanna Di has taught me. Yay!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Day 23: To quit or not to quit...that is the question.

The last 23 days, minus 3 spent with my husband (so 20 days), have filled my head with so much Classical and Kathak material that I cannot even begin to explain to you.

The past few days have weighed down on me harder than expected...I have questioned my motives for being here, for wanting to continue my studies in Kathak, and what the possible end results might be from all this. I still don't have all the answers -- and maybe I am not supposed to, but every time the thought of quitting comes to my head, I hear Joanna Di's voice in my head, saying "Right at the moment, when you want the most to just absolutely give up and quit...that's when you need Kathak the most, that's when you need the discipline, that's when you need to practice, and keep going...it's this little bump in the road, and that discipline to keep going will bring you over that bump..."

So I didn't quit. I, at times, felt like an idiot fumbling around, messing up my left heel spins, missing the transitions between footwork sequences... I have often felt frustrated in the past few weeks, and I am not sure if my frustration is good or bad.

Joanna Di mentioned to us today that she had gotten to see a written syllabus for Kathak when she had visited India on one of her trips...she explained how that what she saw in this syllabus made her think "Who would want to teach this way?" She explained how the syllabus said that year 3 & 4 were the same except for a few extra head movements, and year 5 & 6 were the same except for a few other items...Joanna Di said she wants to expose us to the fantastic elements Kathak contains. She comes into the room and based on what energies we give her, she teaches us. She often throws us many challenging, and what would seem like Advanced styles of footwork and sequences. Certainly, referring to the method in which I have been taught in the past, much of what I have been exposed to here is advanced stylisation. But its great! Really, it is! She said to us today that she didn't expect us to get it overnight, but that a big part of being a teacher involves exploration and today she explored what we could do with saatgun tatkar (7th speed using Rupak taal).

Once again, this shows me that Joanna Di is not hesitant; she believes that if we, as dancers, really want to do it, we will do it...the issue is, how much do we believe in ourselves...

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Days 18, 19, 20, 21, 22: Love, Mash Potatoe Brains, and Regression

I spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday enjoying a magnificent weekend with my husband. My husband Elliot Digby is the most caring and loving man I have ever met. This weekend, I had told myself I would practice...but I did not...come Sunday, I felt very guilty for missing my practices, and I could easily place the blame on family commitments and not having enough time, but that is never the case.

We can always find time in our day to do the things we need to. I could have woken up early to practice but instead I chose to sleep in and enjoy Elliot's company; I am more in love with my husband as each week goes by...so I decided to let go, not stress, and enjoy a few hours with one of the people I love the most in the world!

Me & Elliot

Come Monday, my brain had become soft like mashed potatoes; it felt useless. I was blurry and seemed to have regressed; I had trouble doing even the most basic footwork! Wow.

I don't feel guilty though...now you're thinking, huh? What? Why not? Well I had complete control over my actions, thus I can only endure the consequences of my choices. I decided to dedicate this past weekend to my husband and our marriage.

Today, Tuesday, was a bit better than yesterday. Although, sitting down and reciting with Joanna Di, those things which I should have recited over the weekend, was pretty embarrassing for me...I should have been much farther ahead by now with the particular composition she had given me...As I recited, in the slowest speeds, I felt like a small child having to learn my ABC's all over again...

(Joanna Di re-instilling in me basic footwork and movements...such a patient teacher!
The most patient!)

So, the moral of the story is...PRACTICE whenever and as much as you choose to. PRACTICE will only benefit you...and will only prevent regression and allow progression.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Day 17: Recitation

17 Days ago I had no idea how to find the tekha while listening to lehera only...In fact I didn't know the proper terms for lehera and tekha. Today, one of the most satisfying things I experienced was how just by listening, I knew where I was in the teen taal cycle of music. And I could match my foot work to the music properly; I practiced vilambit (slow) and madhya (medium) speeds of tatkar (footwork) and I was able to properly align myself with the tekha. I still need work on aligning myself to the music in the druth (fast) speed.

(our 1st and last class on Wednesday is writing down the phrases to the composition we just learned)
 

I worked all this out by reciting the tatkar bol and adjusting to fit the music. YAY! Who showed me how to do this? Joanna Di of course! On the first day that she tried to show me, I was like "What?" Now it makes sense. I am seeing how important recitation is! Recitation is actually what is going to let me dance -- in other words, I recite, I match my recitation to the tekha and/or lahera (lehera follows the tekha), once I am able to recite properly, and I know where each bol lands in the phrase I am going to dance to, I can then dance to it... It's quite an interesting interconnected process. This ain't no 8 count linear music...its cyclic. Kathak is the most interconnected dance art I have ever encountered; although I have been familiar with Kathak since childhood, I did not understand it's inner workings; and I am still only at the beginning...its extremely mental, mathematical, physically challenging, and involves great investment of emotion. Kathak can create agility of the mind, and physical awareness; I would urge parents to understand the importance of the performing arts...I find that many South Asian parents focus solely on academics, giving arts the last glance. But if you gave the arts a proper place in your children's lives (and your own life for that matter), you would find that a disciplined method of artistic expression will actually enhance and increase your child's academic abilities; not to mention their physical and emotional abilities.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Day 16: Psychology, Rupak and Heat

The Sensitive Entrepreneur's Emotional Rescue (read out loud when needed, and breathe deeply):

I am a person who does what I say I will do.

I have integrity.

I am genuine and honest.

I am a good person and I don’t have any bad or negative intentions.

I provide the best service I possibly can.

I give 100% effort when I do anything.
 
I am learning and growing every day.

It is impossible to make everyone happy.

There are situations that might not be ideal, and there are situations that might not be in my control, and I accept and honor that.

I know who I am as a person and I know my truth.

I forgive myself for my mistakes, and I learn how not to repeat it.

I am strong, focused, determined, helpful, happy and outgoing.

My business will grow and I will be successful.

Clients don't see the whole picture, and you can't blame them for that. They come to your place of business seeking something for themselves. There was an incident today back home that caused a client to be dissatisfied; it was no one's fault really, it was just the way things happened. I will be honest, I am a pretty sensitive person, so I end up taking things personally sometimes. But other times, clients do come right out and attack my character and that really sucks. But, as a business owner, it comes with the territory. This stuff didn't used bother me as much as it does now...I think its because for the past 2 years I've been working my a** off and trust me, being the "boss" can be a pretty thankless job sometimes, and having no superiors makes it a mentor-less job too -- anyways, I think this stuff gets to me more quickly and deeply than before due to my stress levels, and the fact that I temporarily feel like a failure when things go wrong after I feel I've been working so hard...

So I Googled "Why do I cry when someone hurts my character" and I found some information from a Psychologist's website, and although this particular article refers to a relationship, there were some things that hit home with me...

"First of all, you can't become less sensitive. Sensitivity is an intrinsic part of your nature. But you can become less reactive, and that means learning not to take things so personally.

I believe that sensitive people have a special spiritual mission to use their gift of sensitivity to make the world a better place. Sensitive people are gifted with empathy and creative imagination. At their best, a sensitive person is a sympathetic friend, a skilled diplomat, fun, and charming to be around. At their worst, they can be moody, dramatic, over-reactive, and blaming.

In childhood, a sensitive child needs to be supported, not shamed, when they are easily overwhelmed by their feelings. Unfortunately, these vulnerable individuals are often not brought up with the understanding and delicate discipline they need. Instead they are punished and ridiculed for their sensitivity, making them feel ashamed. If you add any abandonment or abuse to their lives, then their sensitivity becomes warped - touchy, moody, dramatic, acting out...

 The next time you feel emotional - hurt, ashamed, afraid, or angry...take the time to follow the following five steps before you act out...:


1. Understand that most people around you do not intend to hurt your feelings...
2. Realize that people are being themselves, which might not always sit well with you...
3. Understand that you project negative intentions onto others' thoughts and behaviors. I have a statistic, which I use with my clients. It's a 100 percent statistic, which is rare at any time, certainly in the area of human behavior. Whenever any of my clients tells me they are afraid of what I'm thinking, 100 percent of the time they believe it's negative, and 100 percent of the time they're wrong. I'm never thinking the negative thing about them that they think I am. This statistic has lasted for over fifteen years. Catch yourself when you project your negative thoughts about yourself onto other people. (OMG, I do this a lot...things that go way back to childhood right here...I often assume others are thinking negative about me when they are 100% not -- this is a self-confidence or some other "self-" thing for sure...)
4. Remember that 80 to 90 percent of the intensity of your feelings is caused by old wounds...
...and Debra Holland goes on in a web posting (http://www.drdebraholland.com/archives/ask_march.html)

Okay, that was business for today. Sorry Kathak followers, for my tangent...

Today I gained an introduction to Rupak, a tekha cycle containing 7 beats. It was interesting and challenging. I will have to develop my muscle memory for this new Kathak movement by practicing this. But the intense heat in Toronto today caused me to be a little foggy brained...there were some Intense Heat warnings issued in Toronto, and where we practice, we don't have AC or too much in the way of ventilation...my cheeks were flushed, sweat was pouring down my back, but practicing in these conditions can help me build my stamina.